Yet I will Praise

     Yesterday, I reposted a Facebook status update from some time back.  "It isn't easy to trust God, but His track record is perfect, no mistakes, no failures!".  I added to it though, to meet my on personal needs...the remainder of the post said "God's plan is always best, always perfect, and always right; and when we just don't understand His plan?  Well, He gives us peace beyond our understanding."
     In my own spirit yesterday, I was just broken.  I felt lonely, hurt, sad, angry, and let down.  It was a hard day for our family, and especially for my dad.  I am choosing to share the story of our day yesterday, and it is my hope that you find some peace that you didn't know you had, or that it somehow helps to encourage you to find the strength witin you, that only God can provide.  I am struggling, but I know that God is with me.  He is with my dad, with my family.  He is carrying our burdens, and sharing our sorrow...just as he bore the cross, and carried our sins...with a love and compassion that will never fail!
         On last Tuesday, the girls and I drove home from a quick Florida vacay with my mom.  We met Eric for lunch, and I went straight to dad's house to check in with him.  He had lost more weight, and didn't have any to loose as it was.  He seemed down, and very tired.  He hasn't been sleeping well, because his pain level has been difficult to manage.  A few weeks back, he had a stint placed in his liver to help it drain, and function properly.  His tumor growth had caused the liver to stop draining properly, and he was looking very yellow.  The stint seemed to be a success, but proved to be a very rough recovery!  Then last Wednesday morning (the day after my return) he had another procedure done.  This was a pain block.  This procedure is supposed to block the nerves in his abdomen and help with pain management.  That too, took a couple of days recovery.  I felt as though I had returned happy, and been slapped in the face with such harsh reality.  By Friday, he seemed to be perked up a little, so I began feeling encouraged again.  He even said he wanted to come to church on this past Sunday.  But, by Sunday, he didn't make it to church.  In fact, he had hardly slept because his pain had become unbearable.  He scheduled an appointment with his oncologist for Monday, 10/24/11 (yesterday). 
     Dad's oncologist is amazing.  He is kind and caring, and really does do his best.  While dad was getting his port flushed and his vital's checked, he walked by Brooklyn and I in the hallway.  He stopped and placed his hand on my shoulder.  With a soft smile, he said "how's dad?"  I tried to smile, but instead felt the tears coming, and just shrugged my shoulders.  He patted my arm and said "we are going to talk today, okay?"  I said okay and somehow, I knew, it wasn't going to be the way I wanted it to be.  When dad came out, and we wnent into the exam room, he said "she didn't put the lead into my port, I guess they aren't going to do chemo today."  When he said that, I began putting together a very somber puzzle in my mind.  Inside, I immediately began begging God for His grace, and that he would hold us up...that He would give us strength to bear whatever we were about to hear.
     When Dr. Fernando walked into the exam room, he did a few routine things, and instead of leaning back against the counter and talking, he put down his clip board chart, pulled up the stool, and sat down in front of dad.  Dad was sitting on the exam table, with Brooklyn sitting up there right next to him.  I was seated in the chair beside the table.  He smiled, but I could tell, he was struggling for words.  What followed, was a conversation that is burned in my mind forever.  He told dad that the cancer is growing more aggressively than he can fight it.  He told dad that his medical recommendation was to stop all treatment at this point.  He said he felt like if he kept trying to treat the cancer, knowing it wasn't helping, would just create undue suffering and that he wanted dad to remain comfortable, so that he could do things and spend time with family.  The doctor said he felt like that was the most important thing for dad to do.  The room was so still, and yet so heavy.  He then said that he wanted dad to get aquainted with some outside nurses.  These nurses would come from Longleaf hospice.  I don't know if I made some type of guesture, or maybe he heard my thoughts, but he immediately said "Hey, it's not like you are thinking Libby.  I want him to get aquainted with the hospice team right now.  They will come out to his home and evaluate his care.  They will get to know him, learn his routine; get to know the family, and become aware of his environment.  They will be able to adjust treatment/pain management, so he can enjoy time with family, and feel good doing so.  Then, when it is necessary, they can better serve him, and the family."  I shook my head that I understood, while he was handing me tissue.  I looked over at dad, and big crocodile tears were dripping off his chin.  I have never in my lifetime seen dad cry until then.  I reached over and took his hand.  Through his tears, he looked at the doctor, and then to Brooklyn and I and said softly "I understand.  It's just hard to hear...I am not ready to leave them yet (and he looked over at me with a sadness that was overwhelming)."  I got up and just embraced dad...trying not to break down into sobs, but the tears came anyway.  The doctor stood up and put his arms around us and said (through tears of his own)  "I so wanted you to be the one who beat it."  I immediately said  "Oh, but he will beat it!  No matter what happens, my dad wins".  And I said it again to dad; a few times I think "Dad, you will win!  We know that in our hearts, here or in heaven, you will win!"
     We left the office, after the staff had spent some time loving on dad. :)  We held hands all the way to the car.  We drove back to his house, sharing some conversation about planning.  I told him to think of some things he wanted to do, and we would do those things.  I also said Thanksgiving would be at our house again, with his family around him.  I wondered what he was feeling?  I was shattered and I wasn't even the one suffering with the news of impending mortality.  I didn't know how to comfort him.  We decided that this was not a surrender to cancer, I told him that it was not the time to give up, that I knew he had a stubborn streak (he taught it to me) and now would be a good time to use it!  And in his true style he said, "Well, man has done all he can do, it is truly and wholly in God's hands...all we can do now is trust him."  A few minutes of silence followed, because that was a pretty profound statement, and I think we both just let it sink in.
     We hadn't been back at his house long, and our Pastor and his wife showed up to visit.  We discussed the doctor visit, with more tears from dad (and dad's sister, and myself).  I listened as dad talked to our Pastor.  He was telling him, he just wanted to make sure he was ready.  Brother Daventport expressed an understanding of what dad was saying, and was very encouraging.  He said he felt that it was completely normal (and very human) for believer's to want to 'make sure' that their hearts are ready to meet God.  We live in a world that test's our faith, and it is okay to need that reassurance from God that your eternity is secure.  After visiting and sharing with us, before he left, He and Rose annointed, and prayed with dad (and Martha, Brooklyn, and myself).  He prayed that dad's heart was clean, and free of sin.  He asked God that if there was anything there, that he would make it known to dad so that he may make thing right and be at peace in his relationship with God (I am confident of dad's eternity).  After that, he prayed for healing for dad.  For God to take away the pain, and to heal dad's body of the cancer that was harming him.  He prayed for us, all of the family, that we would see the hand of God, and that God would gives us grace and mercy.  I felt like dad was encouraged when Brother D left, and I was comforted by that.  I understand, that according to the medical point of view, Dad's fate is grimm, but I beg to differ.  I serve a God who is still a healer, and I believe he can heal dad in an instant!  I also believe that, if His divine plan doesn't sustain dad's life on earth, that in his passing, Dad will have recieved the ultimate healing!  He will be forever in God's presence ... healed and whole.
     I stayed with dad all afternoon.  Eric brought Elizabeth over, and Laura came over after work.  We surrounded him with love.  We didn't necessarily have answers, or words of wisdom, but we shared comforting smiles, loving glances, and many hugs.  We left and grabbed dinner on the way home.  Elizabeth rode home with me, and I turned on the ipod in the car (music is my sanctuary).  I played Mighty to Save for her (we are singing it this Sunday at our church) and she wanted to practice.  Then I played the Chris Tomlin song "I Lift my Hands", a few times, and then I switched to an older song.  A song I was introduced to many years ago by a friend.  She had grieved the loss of a child, and when I lost my son, it reminded me of the sovreignty of God.  It fills me with thoughts of his grace, his comfort, his mercy, and his amazing love for me.  I am going to share the words here...in hopes that someone who may stumble upon this blog with a heavy heart, can somehow undertand that God is always with us, He always loves us, and He NEVR fails us!  Let your neighbor know, and remind yourself,  that God is able, He is powerful, He is faithful, He is true, He still heals, and HE is more than enough for us!  He is bigger than anything we will ever face in this life!

                               Yet I Will Praise

                                             Andy Park

I will praise you Lord my God, even in my brokenness, I will praise you Lord.

I will praise you Lord my God, even in my desperation, I will praise you Lord.

And I can't understand, all that you've allowed, I just can't see the reason.

But my life is in your hands, and though I cannot see you; I choose to trust you.

Even when my heart is torn, I will praise you Lord.

Even when I feel deserted, I will praise you Lord.

Even in my darkest valley, I will praise you Lord.

And when my world is shattered, and it seems, all hope is gone;

Yet I will praise you Lord.

I will trust you Lord my God, even in my loneliness, I will trust you Lord.

I will trust you Lord my God, even when I cannot hear you, I will trust you Lord.

And I will not forget, that you hung on a cross.  Lord you bled and died for me.

And if I have to suffer, I know that you've been there, and I know that you're here now!

Even when my heart is torn, I will trust you Lord.

Even when I feel deserted, I will trust you Lord.

Even in my darkest valley, I will trust you Lord.

And when my world is shattered, and it seems all hope is gone;

Yet I will praise you Lord.

     I hope you are encouraged today.  Don't stop trusting God, don't stop praising Him, I won't!  HE is faithful forever and I know his promises are true...believe in that,  believe in Him.  My feet are planted in a foundation that is firm and my hope is in Him, the Christ who created me...created the universe.  I can trust Him, (even when it's hard) for his track record is perfect...no mistakes, no failures!!  Tell your neighbors...they need to know!!


            * Isaiah 53:5 (KJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, he was
                                  bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was
                                  upon Him: and with His stripes we are healed.
           
            * John 16:33 (KJV)  These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye
                                  might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation
                                  (trouble): but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.
           
            * 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (KJV)  We are troubled on every side, yet not
                                   distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,
                                   but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
           

Blessings!

Libby

Traditions

     A facbook post by a friend yesterday prompted this entry!  She questioned what oddities people liked to eat...and the responses were indeed quite odd!  One responder told her they liked chocolate gravy, and upon reading that, I was flooded by a river of good memories.  It is so funny to me how something so minor can bring back such a rush of memories that you have tucked away in your heart.  It can even be smells for me.  When we were dating, Eric wore the best smelling cologne ever, and when he sprays it on now, I am transported back to those days...just by that smell!  I hope my children are that way when they get older.  I hope someday when I am not here any more, that something triggers good memories for them, of their mother.  Aren't we all that way??  Don't we all wish to be remembered fondly, and spoken of sweetly when we are gone?  In an attempt to achieve those kinds of memories, I believe that 'traditions' were born.  If we do certain things, certain ways, at certain times for our families (or neighbors), it usually becomes a tradition that may follow generations to come.  What better way to leave legacies, than through tradition?
     As a child, we were allowed to open one gift on Christmas eve.  I can remember being excited all day, and thinking carefully about which package I would open.  Now, as I continue that tradition, I enjoy recalling those special memories while I watch my children create new memories; although I have given that tradition my own spin (the kids get new pj's and that is the gift they get to open) it is fun for them.  A few years ago, Eric and I planned a weekend getaway for our anniversary...it has become a tradition that we look so forward to every year now.  Have you created family traditions?  If you can't think of any, do something about that!   Your children will thank you for it someday!  Traditions can be birthed from any family activities.  We go camping with our kids every summer (tradition), Elizabeth and I take a Six Flags day every summer (tradition), Thanksgiving dinner at our house with just our little family (our newest tradition)...it doesn't have to be anything major, your family will remember the small things.  They will treasure the time spent together, and nothing is more important than the time you give your family.  The kids and I bake goodies at Christmas, and we give them to our neighbors on Christmas morning...they learn the importance of giving, and they have fun spending time in the kitchen with mom baking.  Get creative with the time you invest in your family, and know that they notice when you put the phone (or toilet brush) down and listen to what they have to say.
     Dream about traditions to come!  My girls spend a week at my mom's house in Florida every summer.  They come home full of things to tell me, but more importantly, a heart full of 'grandma memories'.  I dream about having Sunday dinners with my children and their children someday, or spending time with my own grandchildren in the years to come!  God has given us so much, and we sometimes forget to really stop and 'smell the roses'.  Make your days count...for your family, your children, and ...your neighbors!! 

     For thoses who are interested...
                  
     Chocolate Gravy

     Ingredients:  3/4 cup butter
                        5 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
                        1/4 cup all-purpose flour
                        1 cup white sugar (i don't use quite the whole cup)
                        2 cups milk (or less if you like it thicker)
                        2 tsp vanilla
     Directions:  Melt butter in heavy saucepan over medium heat.  Add cocoa and flour; stir until it is kind of like a paste.  Stir in sugar and milk.  Cook, stirring constantly until thickened (like gravy).  Remove from heat and stir in vanilla.  Serve over hot buttered biscuits.  (I have tweeked this recipe to my liking and you will find that you will do the same to suit your own taste...more or less sugar, milk, butter, etc)
     
     Blessings!
      Libby




    

Weather Alert....

     Even though I have heard it countless times in my life, I still am drawn to the television each and every time that weather buzzer sounds.  I want to hear what is happening, and be prepared for what is coming, be it weather, flooding, wind gusts, whatever.  I am a person of structure and routine, and I don't like surprises.  Lately, I have seen many who were surprised by storms of epic proportion; even though the warnings were there, I am convinced they weren't really ready.  If you think about it, who is ready for that kind of devestation....my guess is nobody!  How many times have we all listened to the weather report call for tornados, and we "keep an eye out" but never seriously expect to lose everything we have in a wind gust that lasts about 10 or 15 seconds???  Are we ready to look at what was once our home, our safe place, and to see a pile of rubble standing where once our dreams had stood??  I think that I will never be ready for that!
     In the past month or so, I have watched news footage in amazement at the unbelievable storms and the paths of destruction they have left.  My heart has ached for those who have lost loved ones to these storms.  It is such a tragedy.  One morning after the Alabama chaos, I read posts on Facebook, over and over, about how God had watched over a family and kept them safe.  I thanked God for safety too, but be aware about how you proclaim your thankfulness...I am sure some of the people involved in those crisis situations prayed for safety.  Did God ignore their prayers, or let them down? I offer a resounding NO!  I became so burdened by some of those comments, I earnestly began to pray about this post.  I hope not to offend anyone, ever.  God is faithful and just...always.  He does not make mistakes, and he loves us, ALL.  There wasn't one family who suffered through that storm, that God didn't watch over, and love.  Sometimes life just happens.  I read a church sign that sums up the way I feel about God in the midst of our suffering...it read "Peace is the presence of the Lord, not the absence of trouble!"  And that is so true.  God doesn't pick certain people to suffer, but He is with them.  He is love and He is good.
     As I began to pray about this particular blog, I believe I began understanding about suffering, in a different light.  All of those terrible storms...we saw the damage.  We saw the people crying over loss and suffering.  We saw some walking around the debris where there house used to be.  We SAW all of that storm and it's fury.  We HEARD the tragic stories.  What unfolded to me, in these accounts, was how many people have F5 tornadoes in their lives everyday, that the news can't cover, and you won't read about it in the paper.  How many people suffer loss and tragedy that cannot be seen or touched, because it is so deeply imbedded in their brokeness?  How many people look into their own hearts and see a path of destruction that looks like it cannot be recovered or repaired??  Was God not watching over them in their time of trouble?  I think He was holding them in His arms to comfort them like no one else could.
     Everyday, tragedy and struggle strike people without warning.  There is no emergency emotional buzzer inside of us that says "hey, get ready, trouble is coming".  What we are given, however, is the Word of God, for guidance and for emergency reference.  Now, in saying that, as Christians, I do not believe we are immune to hurt, or that we are beyond trials.  What I do believe, is that there is a God who is always with me, with you.  I have found myself, at times, asking "God, how will I make it through this??"  And, each time I have felt this way, I have found an inner peace to help calm my heart and give me strength to move forward...even when my mind didn't feel like it, God was taking care of my heart.  I  can stand on every promise and on every truth in the Bible, to steady my shaky situations, and I shall not be moved.
     On Sunday mornings, I usually watch church on TV while I get ready for church myself.  One sermon stood out to me one morning as I listened to the Pastor talk about showing compassion even when you think it isn't deserved.  He spoke about people having a personal 'story'.  I began thinking of all the people we come in contact with on a daily basis.  The waitress at Sunday lunch, the cashier at the grocery store, the teacher opening the door in the car rider line; each of these people has a story.  What is it? Do you know?  Do you really care?  Is that person trying to pick up the pieces of an emotional storm that left a gaping hole in his/her heart?  Would we treat them differently if we could see their hearts, or if we knew they were hurting?  I bet we would.  Sometimes, all it takes is a smile, or a kind word to began repairing a wounded soul.  It is our Christian responsibility to be kind always, to continually be doers of good.  I believe the heart is not openly visible because we shouldn't have to be convinced to be kind, we should be that way because we want to!  Imagine what the world would be like if every person treated every person they came in contact with, as if they needed love and compassion?  Yep, the world would be different.
     If we begin treating others with unselfishness, and open kindness, we would begin seeing change.  The love of God would become more prevelant, and the focus on "self" would dwindle rapidly.  As children of God, we were not created to be all about ourselves, but to love freely, without expecting anything in return.  Do you think about that when you speak to strangers?  Do you walk away from a conversation knowing that you had somehow conveyed the love of God?  He loves us passionately, abundantly, unselfishly, unequivicably; and He will never stop...no matter what we are going through.  So, the next time you walk up to that gas station attendant who seems agitated, or rude, remember....it may have been storming in their home or heart the night before.  What is the forcast at your neighbors? 
     By now, I hope you understand that when I say neighbors, I mean people...your friends, your coworkers, your family, and yes...even your real neighbors!  Find ways to share the goodness of God!

            *Matthew 25:40 (NIV) "The King will reply, I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

            *Matthew 22:39 (NIV)  "Love your neighbor as yourself."

            *Hebrews 13:1-3 (NIV) "Keep on loving each other as brothers.  Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.  Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering."

Blessings!
    Libby

Beauty for Ashes

     The song "Beauty for Ashes" by Crystal Lewis is profound.  The chorus says "He gives beauty for ashes, strength for fear, gladness for mourning, peace for despair".  I love the words, they resonate in my soul; because I have experienced beauty from ashes, gained strength over fear, found gladness from mourning, and traded peace for despair!  As I reflect on this beautiful Easter holiday, I am reminded of Christ's ultimate sacrifice just for me.  He paid my debt that I may understand true freedom and His everlasting love!  Thank you Jesus for what you have done for me!
     When our lives are going good, it is so easy to thank God, to honor Him and to remain faithful.  Now, when things go wrong, or when we are hurting, why is it so easy to blame God, or ask why He isn't taking care of you??  That seems so selfish to me, and yet I am guilty of that very thing.  I have said to God himself, that I wondered if He really loved me; when the truth is, He doesn't have the ability NOT to love.  He is love.  He is mercy and understanding.  He knows my heart and yours when we feel somehow jaded by life.  He longs to wrap His arms around you and whisper to you "hey, I am right here".  The problem is, we, at times, can't see through the clouds, to see the sun...we cannot find the beauty for ashes.
     Some time ago, our church did a cardboard testimony program.  It is where the people who participated, wrote out a simple testimony on a piece of cardboard.  On one side, the participant wrote their 'trial' and on the other side, the 'victory' was written.  Eric and I chose to participate.  On one side of our cardboard, it said "Our son -- Gavin Michael Taylor -- Born 4-19-2006 -- Died 4-20-2006 -- Our faith shaken -- our hope destroyed".  On the flip side of our cardboard, we shared "Our daughter -- Brooklyn Rose Taylor -- Born 9-11-2007 -- Our faith renewed -- Our hope restored".  One after the other, people just like us, shared their testimony, simply stated, on cardboard.  This program is such an example of "Beauty for Ashes". You see, each person had ashes on one side of the cardboard (brokeness, despair, sickness, grief, loneliness, addictions, chains, sadness, burdens) and when they flipped over the cardboard, Praise God, they had beauty (forgiveness, peace, healing, joy, fulfillment, wholeness, freedom, gladness, restoration)!!  There is always victory in God's plan...always.  Losing our son, was the darkest time in my life.  I could not see the victory in my sorrow, nor could I find hope in my desperation.  I knew in my heart that Jesus was with me, but I just could not see Him through my tears of sorrow.  But guess what??  He saw me, and daily, until I finally felt Him, God gently wrapped His loving arms around me, and kept whispering "hey Libby, I am right here".  One day, I heard Him, and began realizing that He had not put me in that terrible place; but He didn't run away when I found myself there.  Instead, He took me by the hand, and helped me focus on Him, so that I could find my way out.  I began seeing more good and less bad, more blessings and less curses, more hope and less discouragement.  I began seeing His beauty for my ashes. 
     Finding out I was expecting again, filled me with excitement and lots of anxiety.  It was suggested by my doctor's that we undergo a series of tests right at the beginning of the pregnancy, which we refused.  Even though we were afraid, we knew that this was promised restoration from God, and that He could calm our fears, and would take care of us.  Brooklyn's birthday, for me, was significant in several different ways.  Her original due date, was September 24th.  God had other plans.  On Monday, September 10th, we were headed to Eric's softball game.  He, Elizabeth, and myself, had gotten some dinner and were in the truck on the way to the game (it was about 4:30 or so).  At some point, I stated that I had a contraction, and maybe we should stop and purchase a stop watch so that I could time the contractions during his game.  By the time we got to Kmart (a 15 minut trip from our house) I had had several more contractions.  He got out and went in to buy the stop watch while I called the doctor's office.  After a brief conversation with the on-call doctor, we were no longer headed to George Pierce Park for a church league softball game, instead, we were on the way to Gwinnett Medical Women's Pavillion...yes, Eric was wearing a softball uniform with cut off sleeves (God does have a sense of humor).  Having had very speedy labor's with my other two babies, we expected to see Brooklyn very quickly after arriving at the hospital.  God had other plans.  After a very LONG night of labor, Brooklyn made her entrance at 6:20am on September 11th.  See the beauty for ashes here???  After she was born, as I sat and held this precious new life, Eric and I watched the news and the memorials for 9/11 throughout the morning.  In the midst of all that grief and sadness, still raw for so many, I held life...fresh and new.  I sat in awe of the gift God had granted to us.  It seemed so significant that she had been born on that day, which was marked with grief and suffering for the world, but how it was transformed into joy and life to us!
     I am immediately drawn by these thoughts, to that Friday so long ago.  A day marked with grief and suffering then, that now signifies joy and life.  Christ laid down His life for our transgressions, that we may have life everlasting!  Just imagine, beaten until He was basically unrecognizable, spit upon, mocked.  Then He was brutally nailed to a cross, stabbed, and killed....that is the ashes part of the story.  Then in miraculous form, three days later, He rose from the grave; my sins forgiven, my debt paid in full....that is the beauty.  The beauty of the cross, the Saviour, the one who bore my shame, He has made me FREE! 
     As you enjoy this Easter holiday, remember Christ.  Remember His ultimate sacrifice so freely given.  Remember that He longs to hold you in His arms and whisper softly to you, "I am here".  He gave everything He had, so we could have everything He has.....beauty for ashes!  What a concept, what a Saviour!

     2 Corinthians 5:21    "For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."

     John 3:16   "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Blessings!
Libby

Practice Makes Perfect

    "Stay with It, You Got This, Focus, Eye on the Prize, Keep on Keeping On."  All of these statements are, I am sure, statements many of us have heard throughout the course of our lives.  Lots of times, these phrases are used in sports, or competitions, to encourage the 'player' to meet his mark, or goal.  However, the one in the competition does not hear those encouragements by chance.  Rather, they have earned a status of effort, by practicing to perfect their skill or challenge.  Right?  I would like to approach that concept with a new perspective today, as an article I read this week made me think very differently about life. 
     On Monday, March 21st, my dad, my sister, and myself, sat in an oncology office and listened in disbelief as the doctor spoke.  Obviously used to the task, without sugar coating, he said "Mr. Cruce, you have Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  It has spread to your lymph nodes, and to your lungs.  If you choose no chemotherapy or other treatment, you have 6 months at best.  If you opt for chemotherapy, maybe 8-12 months.."  He then patted dad on the leg and said "you okay?"  I wondered if he actually thought he was okay??  My sister sat with her hand over her mouth in awe, and I just kept staring at the doctor, as if to say "are you serious?"  He then handed us a plethora of chemotherapy literature to take home, read/study, decide which he chose if any, and told us to come back in two weeks for an appointment to talk about the chemo of choice.  After that appointment, we would then make arrangements for the chemo treatments.  He seemed to really know his "stuff", he uderstood his abilities, he was educated, and well versed in his profession, but something was lacking.  We left there so saddened by the fact that the doctor had, in no uncertain terms, just put some sort of date stamp on dad's life.  The first thing I said when we got in the car, is "Dad, you know that he doesn't know your end.  Only God know's, and He is the one who decides."  Dad smiled and said "Oh, I know that.  I am okay.  I just want to get this going, and I don't think I want to keep waiting to start fighting. And, no matter what, I know that my forever is secure."  I felt great sadness, and great happiness at the same time...he wanted to fight, but he knew that if God had a different agenda, he was ready!
     After loads of online research and studying over the next few days, (look mom, I utilized a part of my education!), I contacted GA Cancer Specialists.  The doctor I actually secured an appointment with, is a pancreatic cancer specialist, and he agreed to see us at the end of day, this past Monday.  We didn't really have an actual appointment, but the doctor himself told the office clerk to tack us on after his last appointment, as we would have had to wait about 3 weeks for a real appointment.  As we walked in the office, dad, my sister (Laura), and myself;  dad immediately said, "I like this office better already".  This doctor gave us the same prognosis, as we expected.  He then talked in depth about a variety of chemotherapy, and what he thought could be accomplished.  He recommended a chemo that was a little more aggressive than what is usually used for pancreatic cancer.  He told us the standard chemo, would simply help prolong life, but that the more aggressive chemo, in combination with dad's good health, could actually throw the cancer into remission, and give us more real time with dad!!  This doctor too, was well versed, educated, and confident in his abilities, however, he had something the other doctor was missing.  It seemed as though he had practiced compassion where the other doctor had none.  He also shared with us a sense of urgency in dad's care...the IV port will be implanted tomorrow, and the first chemo treatment will begin on Monday morning.  The first doctor's follow up appointment isn't until this Tuesday just to decide which chemo he wanted to take. Needless to say, that appointment has been cancelled.  Those two doctors said the same thing, in very different ways.  The first said it very cold, with his medical theology to back him up.  He did what his job required him to do.  The second doctor, said it with compassion and concern... as if he practiced regularly, certain additional skills to do his job in the very best way he could.  He seemed to be focused, even well rehearsed, in not only doing his job, but doing it with excellence.
     At the end of last week I received  an email via my sweet sister-in-law, Misty, that was an article written from an interview with Rick Warren.  I was, for obvious reasons, captivated by a portion of that article that talked about eternity.  He discussed his wife's own cancer diagnosis; and her confidence in her eternity.  Then, one phrase just jumped off of the computer screen as if to say "look Libby!!!!"  It said "Life is the preparation for eternity."  Wow!  The article also said "This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal."  Have you ever thought of life that way??  If anything, I have been thinking about life, and death, more in the last few weeks than I ever have.  I have been thinking of my life, my family's lives, my dad's life.  I have been thinking also about death, about our mortality, and our immortality.  I know death.  I know it's devestation and void...I watched death as it swept over my sweet little two pound baby boy on April 20th, 2006; a mere 14 hours after his birth.  I know how death takes away so much, and leaves a path of grief and sadness that words cannot express.  However, I know life and the Creator of not just life, but life everlasting!!  I know the One who has created Eternity, just for me and just for you!!!  When I read those quotes from Rick Warren's article, I sat in tears at the thought that death is a part of life, but as Christian, it is not the end of our life, but just the beginning of our eternity with our heavenly father.  I realized that I am on a mission in this life...to constantly be 'practicing'.  My goal is to keep my eye on the prize, to stay focused, to stay with it!  In the end, my reward is better than any earthly gain...it is eternity...to look upon the face of Jesus, to experience reunions with loved ones, and for me, to pick up my sweet little Gavin, hold him tightly, and to kiss him gently once again! 
     In light of our current circumstances, and as I get older, I find myself growing less and less afraid of death.  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, says that there is an appointed time for everything under heaven.  That appointed time includes birth and death, even sorrow and laughter.  We as humans, don't rejoice in death.  We don't want to say goodbye to those we love...and to me, there is never a "good" time to lose someone.  However, as I have been looking at eternity more, and mortality less, heaven is becoming sweeter.  This life won't ever be completely easy.  I will face ups and downs, mountains and valleys...but the question is, will I face them alone??? Never!  I will continue to strive to know Christ more, to show His love more, to communicate with Him better, to show His compassion better, to tell more people about Him, to offer grace continually, and to never let go of His promise of eternal life...I am practicing now for my prize of eternity!!  Are you practicing?  Does your neighbor need a coach?  Be blessed, and remember...practice makes perfect!

        Psalm 28:7  The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song.

        Psalm 56:3   What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.

Surprise....NOT!

     On Thursday, March 3rd, I was surprised to hear my dad say that the sore spot on his calf had been diagnosed as a blood clot....God was not surprised.  Then on that following Sunday, when Dad called from Gwinnett Medical Center, to say he had been admitted overnight with multiple blood clots in his lungs, I was shocked....God however, was not surprised.  Throughout the course of that week, test after test, doctor after doctor, we were blown away to hear that they had found cancer.  Again, God was not surprised.
     You see, everything in life, good or bad, certain or uncertain, is not in anyway a surprise to God.  He knows our end from our beginning.  He has seen everything before we even breathed our first life's breath!  Nothing that happens in my life will ever make God say "wow, I didn't see that coming".  Now, that does not mean I won't be surprised, or shaken, or even scared out of my shoes sometimes; but what it does mean, is that because God has ordained my being, I can take shelter in His almighty shadow, knowing that his angels are camped round about me.  When we have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, nothing in the Bible says life will be easy.  What it does say, is that He gives us peace that passes understanding, wisdom beyond measure, new mercies daily, rest for the weary, grace that covers sin, abiding hope, constant comfort, love unconditional, and life everlasting!  What amazing promises He has made to us; and He never fails.  His word says He gives strength when we need it, and He will never leave us or forsake us.  Who on earth can make such promises?  Only God!
     Sometimes, even as believers, the rains come, and we begin to feel as though the flood waters will wash over us and we will surely drown.  As christians, this is where we "cowboy up" and trust that God has only the very best in store for us.  It means trusting Him beyond our current circumstance, and believing we are in the palm of His hand.  Even the scriptures speak of personal suffering.  Matthew 5:45 says "for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust".  Thus, no one is exempt from trouble.  But, what scripture does promise us is this, Isaiah 43:1-2  "But now thus saith the Lord that created the, O Jacob, and he that formed thee O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name; thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee."  Wow!  No matter what we face, the Lord himself is walking beside us, protecting us every step of the way!  Thank you God for being so steadfast!
     Everyday we are given, He has already been there!  He goes before us and makes straight our path.  For me, the assurance of His presence somedays, is overwhelming.  I know that no matter what I face, I can hold to His outstretched, unchanging hand...and He will shield me.  In this life, I too have been affected by struggles.  There are days when I seek earnestly to understand His plan, but I continue to trust that He is able; He is faithful, and that His way, not mine, is perfect. 
     On this past Thursday, my dad, had a PET scan.  The object of the scan, was to locate the origin of the cancer found in his lymph nodes, and to determine treatment options/regimens.  Tonight, my heart is heavy.  It is heavy for dad, for his health and his emotional well-being.  It is also heavy for what is to come, the treatments, more sickness, and selfishly, for the unknown.  As I sit and reflect on life, and my own mortality, I do realize a few important things about tomorrow.  I know I cannot personally change or stop what will happen tomorrow in the oncologist's office.  I also know that I, in my own power, cannot take this away from my dad.  However, be assured that...whatever happens in that office, God has gone before us, and He will not be surprised or taken aback at what we hear.  Instead, He will be in our midst, no matter what.  Does your neighbor know of His goodness?  Maybe they should.

100 % Responsible/Parent!

Waking this morning at 4:30 am was not my idea of a good night’s sleep.  That being said, I did not wake up at that time because I wanted to...it was because my "responsibility" was patting me on the arm saying "mommy, I have to go potty".  I say "responsibility" because I read a couple of articles yesterday about women who decided not to be a 'full time' parent because the responsibility was just too overwhelming.  I have lots of thoughts toward that perspective, but I will maintain kindness while discussing my thoughts... :)  I have three daughters, Bethany is 16, Elizabeth is 11, and Brooklyn is 3.  I completely understand that children are a HUGE responsibility in this life.  (One of mine, at this moment, is interrupting me to ask what we are having for lunch!)  I understand that while no one is a perfect parent, parenting is a responsibility, which you cannot relinquish.  You may try, but there will be a time, when that responsibility, is staring you in the face asking for answers about your ability, or lack of it, to honor your commitment as a parent.  What will you say?  If someday, my children ask me about parenting, I will have plenty to say, and it’s all good!  Bethany and Elizabeth are both very quiet girls, and were even when they were small; I didn't really have trouble with them.  Bethany is actually my stepdaughter, and even though I didn't have her daily, I welcomed our weekends with her.  Eric and I enjoyed having her with us, and we learned a lot about ourselves in the early years of our marriage, because we grew closer through that sweet little girl whom God had graciously placed in our lives.  In 2000, Elizabeth was born...what a wakeup call from ‘every other weekend parenting’, to every day parenting!  However, I loved it.  I began to really see the love that God has always had for me, through the love I had for my children.  Elizabeth was a perfect baby...slept through the night early on, she had a soft sweet little cry, and the most precious personality (which she still has).  I thought throughout the first few years of her life, that these people that harm their children, or leave them, did not have the capacity to truly love them.   Then came Brooklyn (2007)...and my opinions of motherhood changed drastically!  Brooklyn came into this world screaming, and didn't stop for about 3 months.  What a trying time for Eric and I, especially since we were still dealing with the grief of losing Gavin, our son, in 2006.  I became a stay home mommy at that time, and happily settled into that role of parenting.  Now, though I love being a mommy, there were some days when Eric got home, that I would be waiting at the door to hand Brooklyn off to him, and go to another room, just for a few minutes, to regroup, and wrangle my 'sanity' back in.  None of my behavior, in my opinion was abnormal of a new mother.  The responsibility can be very heavy, I am not denying that.  However, none of those feelings made me less of a mother; just like none of our behavior ever makes our Heavenly Father less of a father to us.  It is all about unconditional, unselfish, abounding love!  That is our role in life as Christians.  Our love should spill out for the world to see.  The love I have for my children is fierce, as the Father’s love is for us!  I cannot imagine being without them, much less walking away from them for someone else to raise.  I do not know what causes people, men or women, to leave their role as a parent.  It doesn't make sense to my earthly thoughts, but perhaps spiritually minded; those abandonments could be seen much differently.  I think that sometimes in life, things happen that we just cannot understand.  Sometimes becoming a parent doesn't cause you to want to run away from life, it just magnifies those thoughts of uncertainty inside of us, causing fear to take over.  Once fear takes over, we begin thinking not the way God thinks, but the way man alone thinks.  Without the power God places within us, we maintain thoughts of defeat, and a lack of self worth; in turn, thinking that we cannot succeed at tasks at hand, including parenting.  Those people who walk away from parenting, in my opinion, have much greater struggles within than just feeling overwhelmed by parenting.  Sometimes, when my role as a parent is overwhelming, I turn to the ultimate parent.  I tell Him my feelings of fear, and defeat, and uncertainty; and God always hears me.  He knows my every care!  I stated in my first blog, that being a Christian “doesn’t ‘solve’ all our weakness (troubles) in life, but it does create an atmosphere inside of me that encourages me to keep on keeping on” and I would like to elaborate on that.  He doesn’t snap His fingers and cause everything in our life to fall perfectly into place.  By saying that having a personal relationship with Him doesn’t “solve” things, I mean that just because I am a Christian, my life is certainly not perfect.  I have trials, and I have failures,  I have endured hardships that I didn’t understand, but I know that the underlying strength that kept me going, was that I was seeking counsel from the very best parent!!  God gave me amazing earthly parents, but there are times in life, that I need Him alone to hold me when I am broken, and to sooth my hurts.  God allows us to “feel” reality, because it teaches us to lean on Him, and not depend only on ourselves.  I wholeheartedly believe God is always the answer in life!  He is the strength in our weakness, the victory in our defeat, the courage in our fear, the success throughout failures, and the perfection through all of our mistakes.  I wonder if God thought, at any point in my life so far, that the responsibility was too great to care for me full time??  I wonder if He thought the responsibility was too great to bear as He watched his son die on the cross??  I wonder if He has ever thought His responsibility to us was too great when we, his children, betray him, and walk away from him; renouncing him and all he has to offer us??  God himself, in the flesh, walked among us through his son Jesus....then unselfishly...offered him, sinless, as atonement for our sins, that we may not suffer and die for those sins WE committed.  His responsibility to us has never waivered...nor has His commitment to us ever faltered.  Thank God for his faithfulness!!  We have been given the tools we need to successfully accomplish all that life hands us….be it parenting, career, school, relationships; this list could continue indefinitely, just as His love continues for us, indefinitely!  Be blessed today…be the person God has called you to be!  You have inside of you, the answer for your friends, your family, your children, and even…your neighbor! 

** Romans 8:37-39   Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

** 1 Peter 5:7  Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you.

Loving the Neighbors!
Libby T

Intro....Loving the Neighbors

Well, I have been thinking this through now, for about a month.  For whatever reason, today was the day!  I guess that is good for me, because I have great ideas, but I fall short many times when it comes to seeing these 'ideas' through.  That is one of many of my weaknesses...but isn't life full of weaknesses???  They come in many different forms: emotional weakness, spiritual weakness, physical weakness, even weakness as a result from an experience in life...yep, lots of weakness.  However, I have found an amazing therapy for my weakness!  I have found that a personal relationship with Jesus Christ doesn't "solve" lifes weaknesses (or problems), but it does create an atmosphere inside of me that encourages me to keep on keeping on.  My relationship with Jesus offers hope for my hopelessesness and an abounding strength for my weakness.  My prayer for this blog is to encourage others...not out of my perfection, but out of my humanity, yep, my "less than perfect life"!  In my biography, I listed the general info, about family, interests, etc.  I also stated a little about what I strive for in life.  I stated that not all are called to be famous Christian figures, familiar to millions, but may be called just to reach out to their neighbor.  I have wondered many times in life, what my purpose actually was; and how my experiences could possibly reflect God's love for me??  Hopefully, sharing some of those experiences and what I have learned from them, I can somehow reflect the wonder, and unabounding love the Father has for HIS children, in spite of the circumstance's of life!  I pray that God speaks to those who may read these posts, and that some may find the hope they need to continue in this thing we call life!  Maybe it can even help someone to love their neighbor too!!  Hugs and Blessings!

** Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
** Lamentations 3:24  The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Loving the neighbors!
Libby T