It is Christmas!!! If you know me, you know my love for Christmas. :) This year, I have been more like my Christmas self. The last few years have been tough for me emotionally. For the first time in a few years, I feel Christmas'y'! All the decorating has been done, shopping happily finished, a frenzy of gift wrapping, cookie baking, an Elf on the Shelf, and of course, Jesus.
The last blog I entered was in October, 2011. One week after that post, my dad left his weak, cancer ridden body, for a brand new body and an eternity with our Lord. Then, just about 3 weeks later, my sweet granddaddy went to heaven. Of course, the holidays were not so merry. AND then we began our first week of 2012 with the loss of my husband's precious granny. A triple blow, and an insurmountable amount of grief to carry! We felt totally numb for a while. I think that we just went through the "motions" of life to maintain normalcy until we could get a grip on our loss. And yes... we survived. In the middle of emotions that I thought I couldn't possibly make it through, I found some things....I heard some things.
When dad was first diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer, my sister purchased the book "Jesus Calling" for him. It is an incredible daily devotional book full of passages and scripture that help us see just how closely God wants us to walk with Him. A few days after dad's passing, my sister called to tell me to read the passage for October 27. It would have been the last one that dad read, and I want to share it with you:
October 27 (Jesus Calling, Sarah Young)
As you become increasingly aware of My presence, you find it easier to discern the way you should go. This is one of the practical benefits of living close to Me. Instead of wondering about what is on the road ahead or worrying about what you should do if...or when...you can concentrate on staying in communication with Me. When you actually arrive at a choice point, I will show you which direction to go.
Many people are so preoccupied with future plans and decisions that they fail to see choices they need to make today. Without any conscious awareness, they make their habitual responses. People who live this way find a dullness creeping into their lives. They sleepwalk through their days, following well-worn paths of routine.
I, the Creator of the universe, am the most creative being imaginable. I will not leave you circling in deeply rutted paths. Instead, I will lead you along fresh trails of adventure, revealing to you things you did not know. Stay in communication with Me. Follow my guiding presence. {Psalm 32:8, Genesis 1:1}
**I am thankful dad communicated with our Heavenly Father, and heard Him when He called. :)
During that first holiday without Dad, I did a lot less of everything. I did less celebrating. I did less decorating. I did less fun. I did less feeling. I did less laughing. And ultimately, I did less loving. The one thing I did do more of, was talk to Jesus. The conversations went something like this: "Lord, I am too young to lose my dad", "God, I just don't understand why you didn't heal him", "I can't believe this is happening, I prayed for you to heal him Lord", "Jesus, I feel like I have been dealt a hand in life that is too much to handle", "Lord, I need to know that you are indeed, still 'for' me", "God, I am so lost in my grief, that I don't think I can hear you". They were not positive conversations; and many of them didn't end with my waiting to hear from my heavenly father. I just seemed to be unloading on Him, and not waiting for His response.
A couple of days before Christmas, 2012 (one year later), I was doing some last minute shopping, and thinking of how pitiful the whole holiday seemed, when I heard "Do You Hear What I Hear" on the radio in the car. I found a place to pull over, and I sat there, tears rolling, letting God speak to my heart. Not really a song to bring out some kind of "revelation", but that day, it seemed like the Lord used that song to get my attention (since I really hadn't been very receptive to His voice). "Do You Hear What I Hear?". That day, I heard His voice, I heard what he had been trying to tell me. I heard the same voice my dad heard, and followed closely. I heard hope in the midst of my sorrow, and peace in the midst of my emotional chaos. I heard my Savior's voice...soothing me, and comforting me. He was showing me that His love was greater than my hurt, and that the more I truly listen to Him, the more He steadies my life. The holidays were still tough that year, but each year since, I have found so much life in the small things. I find more in laughter than I used to, I find that I appreciate people so much more, and I have found that I smile more often than I used to.
Lately, I have read a few Facebook and media stories about "Christmas sensitivity". The articles I have read, talk about being kind to others. They state that people who suffer from loss, depression, loneliness, etc. struggle so much at Christmas time, that people should be sensitive to their emotions. While I agree, to a point, I would never willfully rub my happiness in the face of someone who was hurting. However, I faced a holiday season with a pile of grief, and almost allowed the grief to steal my joy. Christmas hype is NOT the source of my joy. My dad, granddaddy, grandmother (in-law), were NOT the true source of my joy. THIS life is not the true source of my joy. My Jesus is the source of my joy! He is the creator of the universe and lover of my soul...He makes my life full, and complete. Sadness does not remove that sense of joy, depression cannot steal my joy, loss cannot steal my joy. Nothing can take away your internal joy (or peace) unless you allow it to get in. We all make choices in life. After my 'season' of such loss, I chose joy. It wasn't easy, and I didn't wake up everyday with a gleaming smile. Some days, as a matter of fact, I had to reassure myself, usually multiple times. I would say to myself, and the enemy, "I CHOOSE JOY". I reinforced my thought process with scripture; "The joy of the Lord is my strength", "He bore my sorrows", "I can cast my cares on Him, for He cares for me".
I am in no way discounting the fact that people struggle this time of year. I am aware that there are those who have not yet grasped the joy they can find in Christ. So I ask you this... do you know His joy? Do you hear what I hear? If you do, then you hear hope, peace, and love this Christmas. You hear Jesus. Does your neighbor hear Him? They need to.
Choose joy this holiday season...Make sure you celebrate life, family, and Jesus!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
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