In my own spirit yesterday, I was just broken. I felt lonely, hurt, sad, angry, and let down. It was a hard day for our family, and especially for my dad. I am choosing to share the story of our day yesterday, and it is my hope that you find some peace that you didn't know you had, or that it somehow helps to encourage you to find the strength witin you, that only God can provide. I am struggling, but I know that God is with me. He is with my dad, with my family. He is carrying our burdens, and sharing our sorrow...just as he bore the cross, and carried our sins...with a love and compassion that will never fail!
On last Tuesday, the girls and I drove home from a quick Florida vacay with my mom. We met Eric for lunch, and I went straight to dad's house to check in with him. He had lost more weight, and didn't have any to loose as it was. He seemed down, and very tired. He hasn't been sleeping well, because his pain level has been difficult to manage. A few weeks back, he had a stint placed in his liver to help it drain, and function properly. His tumor growth had caused the liver to stop draining properly, and he was looking very yellow. The stint seemed to be a success, but proved to be a very rough recovery! Then last Wednesday morning (the day after my return) he had another procedure done. This was a pain block. This procedure is supposed to block the nerves in his abdomen and help with pain management. That too, took a couple of days recovery. I felt as though I had returned happy, and been slapped in the face with such harsh reality. By Friday, he seemed to be perked up a little, so I began feeling encouraged again. He even said he wanted to come to church on this past Sunday. But, by Sunday, he didn't make it to church. In fact, he had hardly slept because his pain had become unbearable. He scheduled an appointment with his oncologist for Monday, 10/24/11 (yesterday).
Dad's oncologist is amazing. He is kind and caring, and really does do his best. While dad was getting his port flushed and his vital's checked, he walked by Brooklyn and I in the hallway. He stopped and placed his hand on my shoulder. With a soft smile, he said "how's dad?" I tried to smile, but instead felt the tears coming, and just shrugged my shoulders. He patted my arm and said "we are going to talk today, okay?" I said okay and somehow, I knew, it wasn't going to be the way I wanted it to be. When dad came out, and we wnent into the exam room, he said "she didn't put the lead into my port, I guess they aren't going to do chemo today." When he said that, I began putting together a very somber puzzle in my mind. Inside, I immediately began begging God for His grace, and that he would hold us up...that He would give us strength to bear whatever we were about to hear.
When Dr. Fernando walked into the exam room, he did a few routine things, and instead of leaning back against the counter and talking, he put down his clip board chart, pulled up the stool, and sat down in front of dad. Dad was sitting on the exam table, with Brooklyn sitting up there right next to him. I was seated in the chair beside the table. He smiled, but I could tell, he was struggling for words. What followed, was a conversation that is burned in my mind forever. He told dad that the cancer is growing more aggressively than he can fight it. He told dad that his medical recommendation was to stop all treatment at this point. He said he felt like if he kept trying to treat the cancer, knowing it wasn't helping, would just create undue suffering and that he wanted dad to remain comfortable, so that he could do things and spend time with family. The doctor said he felt like that was the most important thing for dad to do. The room was so still, and yet so heavy. He then said that he wanted dad to get aquainted with some outside nurses. These nurses would come from Longleaf hospice. I don't know if I made some type of guesture, or maybe he heard my thoughts, but he immediately said "Hey, it's not like you are thinking Libby. I want him to get aquainted with the hospice team right now. They will come out to his home and evaluate his care. They will get to know him, learn his routine; get to know the family, and become aware of his environment. They will be able to adjust treatment/pain management, so he can enjoy time with family, and feel good doing so. Then, when it is necessary, they can better serve him, and the family." I shook my head that I understood, while he was handing me tissue. I looked over at dad, and big crocodile tears were dripping off his chin. I have never in my lifetime seen dad cry until then. I reached over and took his hand. Through his tears, he looked at the doctor, and then to Brooklyn and I and said softly "I understand. It's just hard to hear...I am not ready to leave them yet (and he looked over at me with a sadness that was overwhelming)." I got up and just embraced dad...trying not to break down into sobs, but the tears came anyway. The doctor stood up and put his arms around us and said (through tears of his own) "I so wanted you to be the one who beat it." I immediately said "Oh, but he will beat it! No matter what happens, my dad wins". And I said it again to dad; a few times I think "Dad, you will win! We know that in our hearts, here or in heaven, you will win!"
We left the office, after the staff had spent some time loving on dad. :) We held hands all the way to the car. We drove back to his house, sharing some conversation about planning. I told him to think of some things he wanted to do, and we would do those things. I also said Thanksgiving would be at our house again, with his family around him. I wondered what he was feeling? I was shattered and I wasn't even the one suffering with the news of impending mortality. I didn't know how to comfort him. We decided that this was not a surrender to cancer, I told him that it was not the time to give up, that I knew he had a stubborn streak (he taught it to me) and now would be a good time to use it! And in his true style he said, "Well, man has done all he can do, it is truly and wholly in God's hands...all we can do now is trust him." A few minutes of silence followed, because that was a pretty profound statement, and I think we both just let it sink in.
We hadn't been back at his house long, and our Pastor and his wife showed up to visit. We discussed the doctor visit, with more tears from dad (and dad's sister, and myself). I listened as dad talked to our Pastor. He was telling him, he just wanted to make sure he was ready. Brother Daventport expressed an understanding of what dad was saying, and was very encouraging. He said he felt that it was completely normal (and very human) for believer's to want to 'make sure' that their hearts are ready to meet God. We live in a world that test's our faith, and it is okay to need that reassurance from God that your eternity is secure. After visiting and sharing with us, before he left, He and Rose annointed, and prayed with dad (and Martha, Brooklyn, and myself). He prayed that dad's heart was clean, and free of sin. He asked God that if there was anything there, that he would make it known to dad so that he may make thing right and be at peace in his relationship with God (I am confident of dad's eternity). After that, he prayed for healing for dad. For God to take away the pain, and to heal dad's body of the cancer that was harming him. He prayed for us, all of the family, that we would see the hand of God, and that God would gives us grace and mercy. I felt like dad was encouraged when Brother D left, and I was comforted by that. I understand, that according to the medical point of view, Dad's fate is grimm, but I beg to differ. I serve a God who is still a healer, and I believe he can heal dad in an instant! I also believe that, if His divine plan doesn't sustain dad's life on earth, that in his passing, Dad will have recieved the ultimate healing! He will be forever in God's presence ... healed and whole.
I stayed with dad all afternoon. Eric brought Elizabeth over, and Laura came over after work. We surrounded him with love. We didn't necessarily have answers, or words of wisdom, but we shared comforting smiles, loving glances, and many hugs. We left and grabbed dinner on the way home. Elizabeth rode home with me, and I turned on the ipod in the car (music is my sanctuary). I played Mighty to Save for her (we are singing it this Sunday at our church) and she wanted to practice. Then I played the Chris Tomlin song "I Lift my Hands", a few times, and then I switched to an older song. A song I was introduced to many years ago by a friend. She had grieved the loss of a child, and when I lost my son, it reminded me of the sovreignty of God. It fills me with thoughts of his grace, his comfort, his mercy, and his amazing love for me. I am going to share the words here...in hopes that someone who may stumble upon this blog with a heavy heart, can somehow undertand that God is always with us, He always loves us, and He NEVR fails us! Let your neighbor know, and remind yourself, that God is able, He is powerful, He is faithful, He is true, He still heals, and HE is more than enough for us! He is bigger than anything we will ever face in this life!
Yet I Will Praise
Andy Park
I will praise you Lord my God, even in my brokenness, I will praise you Lord.
I will praise you Lord my God, even in my desperation, I will praise you Lord.
And I can't understand, all that you've allowed, I just can't see the reason.
But my life is in your hands, and though I cannot see you; I choose to trust you.
Even when my heart is torn, I will praise you Lord.
Even when I feel deserted, I will praise you Lord.
Even in my darkest valley, I will praise you Lord.
And when my world is shattered, and it seems, all hope is gone;
Yet I will praise you Lord.
I will trust you Lord my God, even in my loneliness, I will trust you Lord.
I will trust you Lord my God, even when I cannot hear you, I will trust you Lord.
And I will not forget, that you hung on a cross. Lord you bled and died for me.
And if I have to suffer, I know that you've been there, and I know that you're here now!
Even when my heart is torn, I will trust you Lord.
Even when I feel deserted, I will trust you Lord.
Even in my darkest valley, I will trust you Lord.
And when my world is shattered, and it seems all hope is gone;
Yet I will praise you Lord.
I hope you are encouraged today. Don't stop trusting God, don't stop praising Him, I won't! HE is faithful forever and I know his promises are true...believe in that, believe in Him. My feet are planted in a foundation that is firm and my hope is in Him, the Christ who created me...created the universe. I can trust Him, (even when it's hard) for his track record is perfect...no mistakes, no failures!! Tell your neighbors...they need to know!!
* Isaiah 53:5 (KJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, he was
bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was
upon Him: and with His stripes we are healed.
* John 16:33 (KJV) These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye
might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation
(trouble): but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.
* 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (KJV) We are troubled on every side, yet not
distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,
but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
* Isaiah 53:5 (KJV) But He was wounded for our transgressions, he was
bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was
upon Him: and with His stripes we are healed.
* John 16:33 (KJV) These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye
might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation
(trouble): but be of good cheer: I have overcome the world.
* 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (KJV) We are troubled on every side, yet not
distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,
but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
Blessings!
Libby
